"Mommy, They Must Be Smart with Their Money."

I was driving my seven year old, Chloe, to school one morning last week, when she had a revelation.

"Mommy, I know why the (anonymous family) live in that nice, big house and why they have so many nice, expensive things! It's cause they were smart with their money!"

We have spent time teaching the value of money to our daughter. We have used that phrase, being "smart with your money." But also, she hears and sees way more than we explain in words. She has become thrifty. A saver. She wants to buy her own things, even sneakers. Recently she bought a Mini Wii for the family, with birthday, Christmas, and allowance money she had saved up for almost two years. This is a kid who told me at Christmastime that she didn't want anything, that she already had enough toys and really didn't need anything, that I could just give her "whatever" and she would be happy. (What?!) I had to explain to her this weekend when I bought her sneakers, that moms are supposed to buy their kids' basic shoes, and it's OK for her to accept them. (She'd said, "It's OK mom, I don't really need those sneakers that much, how much are they?") She asks if we can "afford" certain things. We did not mean to make her be this thrifty and careful. But I now know how impressionable a young child can be about money. We've just always been very truthful with her, and our kids do not get everything they want. That is not a bad thing.

But the conversation we had on the way to school that morning has stuck with me for days. I paused, and wondered if I could possibly explain to her in the five minutes we had left in the car together, that appearances often do not tell the whole story. That people with "nice, expensive things," might actually be foolish with their money, racking up horrible credit card debt. Or maybe they lost a beloved family member who left them an inheritance along with an empty place in their heart. Or maybe they have relatives that bought those expensive things for them at Christmas. Maybe they are savvy and bought those things second-hand at an auction or off craigslist for a song. Or just maybe they are in fact, smart with their money, and they are blessed to be able to have the costly things that they have. It is not a bad thing, to be blessed with the nice things God has given to us.

"Well, honey, they night have some nice expensive things, but that does not necessarily mean they are smart with their money. And Chloe, just because we don't have the big house and expensive things they have...well, that does not mean we were not smart with our money. There are circumstances and choices involved."

I began to sum up for her that when her dad and I met, we each had a decent income and were doing pretty well financially. She was shocked. She cannot imagine her mom working and bringing home a paycheck. She's never seen it. I reminded her that I was a teacher, and daddy owned a jewelry store business. I told her how when Lilli was born, everything changed. We had an enormous amount of medical bills. Lilli was really sick. Her dad changed jobs because of the situation. Twice. (I did not bother trying to explain the whole insurance issue to her.) That the reason we moved here was so he could become a chiropractor, because it helps Lilli with her seizures, and it helped me. I told her how I resigned to stay home with Lilli, and baby Chloe. Our circumstances changed drastically, and we could not help a lot of it. We made choices based on what we thought would be best. We had a child with special needs and we had to change everything in order to help her as much as possible. I could not quickly explain to her the lifelong financial effect of having a child with special needs.

"One day, when you're older, you'll understand why mommy and daddy have made the choices we made," I told her. I explained about me not working. "Lilli needed me to stay home with her and help her. And, I got to stay home with you and Lilli when you were babies, and I was glad about that. Lots of mommies don't get to stay home with their children. They have to work." I was trying to put a positive spin on this conversation, because it seemed a little gloomy.

"Was I a cute baby?" she piped up.

"Yes, you were super cute." Oh my, was she even listening? Perhaps this was too deep for a seven year old at 7:30 in the morning. 

I kissed her goodbye, and drove away from the school. Unexpected tears suddenly welled up and a sob came out of nowhere. I drove home thinking about all that we had been through, and just felt sorry for our young couple selves, who had been blindly thrown into these trying circumstances ten years ago. A storm we never saw coming. One that we are still in, in many ways. But there are breaks in the clouds, and beautiful streams of sunlight and rainbows throughout. Blessings I never would have appreciated before. Wisdom I never would have gained. A strong marriage that looks nothing like the naive young love it was when we first walked down the aisle over 12 years ago. Perspective of what is truly important in life. We have always been able to make ends meet. Sometimes just barely, and sometimes with the help of others who we know God used to provide us with exactly what we needed. And through accepting the gifts of others, we have learned much about ourselves and our ugly pride, and what it means to be gracious. I have struggled with comparing ourselves with others over the years, and learned much from it. I have learned what it feels like to be judged, and recognized that I was judging others, based on material things. You can never, ever judge a person's life based on what you see, or what they have. You do not know their story. You do not know their circumstances. How can I teach my young daughter all that I have learned?

I walked in the door with red, puffy eyes. Jasen was standing in the kitchen, and he immediately said with concern, "What's wrong?"

I told him what Chloe had said about the family with nice, expensive things and a big house, and how I had failed in my attempt to explain to her that there are always unseen circumstances and choices.

Jasen took me in his arms and hugged me, and said, "And did you tell her that we are rich? Cause we are."

I love my husband so much for saying exactly the right thing. We are so rich and blessed in so many ways. I would happily sit on this sagging, covered, 23 year old couch for another 23 years, focusing on our marriage and our children and knowing that the most important things in life do not have a price tag. And one day when she is much older, I hope that Chloe reads this and knows it too.

What School is Like: Show and Tell, Birthday Treats, and Making a Friend

Lilli has school at home every weekday with her homebound teacher, Ms. Leslie. But two days a week, the three of us get in the van and head over to the school so that Lilli can go into a special education self-contained classroom for 45 minutes.

Homebound has been fabulous and has given us much freedom in teaching Lilli in the ways she learns best. As a team, her homebound teacher, therapists, and I have tried many methods and ideas over the past two and a half years. We have learned much about Lilli, and it has changed everything. Despite the fact that it came as the result of uncontrolled scary seizures, homebound has been one of the best things to ever happen to Lilli.

The only down side to Lilli's homebound education is that she is not around her peers.

Homebound school: working on phonics - sounds to help
 with spelling. Since Lilli cannot "sound out" words,
sounds must be imagined in her mind. Leslie is
 helping her practice hearing those sounds in her mind by
asking her, "Which sound says the sound 'guh'  and
Lilli must pick the letter G off the board. This is "think
outside the box" stuff for a non verbal kid who has weekly
spelling lists. She has a different
spelling list every week and takes her
 tests on a spelling app on the ipad.

I expressed my concerns about this, and the special education director suggested we try sending Lilli to the elementary school with the homebound teacher for small amounts of time. I wanted all of Lilli's visits to be extremely positive. We chose snack time and center time so she could feel relaxed and be social.

The special education director suggested she visit this particular class this year because Lilli's results on her standardized test results finally made it evident that - despite Lilli's outward physical disabilities and difficulty in being assessed - she is functioning very close to or on grade level in her knowledge in certain subject areas. The kids in this class are learning accommodated third and fourth grade material. I am just pointing this out because there are other classes in the district where children the same age are functioning on a lower cognitive level, and they are not studying the same things. Having cerebral palsy and autism and being non verbal does not mean that Lilli has a low IQ. She doesn't really fit perfectly anywhere. But this teacher and her class have taken Lilli in as one of their own, and they love on her like I never dreamed.

Lilli had some very real anxieties about school a few years ago. She was in a class for 3-6 year olds with special needs, and school was challenging for her. She rarely made it through a day without crying. Most mornings, Lilli would start to cry as soon as we pulled up to the school building. She had a lot of anxiety, and we really do not know why. I think now that the main source of her frustrations stemmed from not being able to communicate. I cannot imagine how mad I would be if I had to go through an entire school day without ever being able to express my wants, needs, thoughts, and wishes. I don't blame her one bit.

Now, Lilli has not one, but two communication devices that she is learning to use to communicate and complete schoolwork. When we pull up to the school, she smiles. She is excited.

She takes her Nova Chat, her newest communication device that she is learning to use independently. It has a keyguard which keeps Lilli from bumping other buttons by accident (a big problem with the ipad). I'm not sure I would know what a keyguard was if I didn't have Lilli, so I will explain that a keyguard is a plastic grid that separates each button. When Lilli tries to push a button, the keyguard keeps her from hitting the edge and bumping the wrong one (very frustrating for her).The black lines between the buttons in the pictures below is the plastic keyguard.

These are some of her screens on the Nova Chat. Each button talks and most take you to another page that is related. Lilli is not spelling out words completely without being touched, but getting closer. We focus on the complete words and categories, and phrases ready for her to use with the touch of one button. The hardest part is knowing where everything is, on which screen. She is learning where everything is. And so are we!

Some of the categories on the NovaChat

Lilli wears a glittery peace sign backpack purse to school with an ipod and headphones inside, and a snack. If Lilli gets anxious, Leslie will put one earbud in one of Lilli's ears, and her favorite music helps to calm Lilli down while not being a disruption to the class. The whole earbud/ipod thing is just another completely different post.

Just had to put this picture in, I think she looks adorable. She had to get used
to wearing the backpack. She had to get used to wearing the headphones. She is learning to
put the earbuds in and needs help with those.
She did not need any help with her fashionable outfit. 

A Friend

In October, we started with just one morning at school each week for 45 minutes. Leslie acts as her personal aide when they are in the classroom, and helps Lilli complete the center time activities.

The kids in the class all adore Lilli. She is the only non verbal child in the class. Leslie says Lilli's classmates are fascinated with Lilli's communication device, charmed by her smiles and affection, and continually compliment Lilli on her outfits. There is one girl who really likes Lilli.

The girl's name is Grace. And how much grace she does show to my daughter. I am always blessed by what Leslie tells me about what Grace does, when Lilli goes to class. Grace runs up to Lilli and greets her, even though she does not always get a response from Lilli. She compliments Lilli's outfit and tells her she loves her. Recently the class was asked to draw a picture showing someone being kind. Grace drew a picture of Lilli and wrote, "Lilli is kind. I love Lilli and Lilli loves me." Then she read it to Lilli, and Lilli grabbed her face and kissed her on the cheek.

In the beginning, Lilli just smiled. Sometimes she cried, and Leslie would take her out. We wanted Lilli to be able to "talk" back to her classmates, and feel like she was a part of the class. Grace is a gift to us this year. She is the best motivation for Lilli to go to school and try and "talk" with her device. The first time Grace told Lilli she liked her outfit, we immediately set about making a group of social responses and compliments that Lilli could say back. One day, Lilli pressed s series of buttons to say "I like your ...pink... shirt" and Grace looked down at her shirt in total shock that Lilli was able to say this through a device.

Grace and Lilli on "Walk to School Day"

Show and Tell

After the fall months went exceedingly well, we added another morning. On Fridays, the class has "Show and Tell." For a few weeks, we worked on helping Lilli get ready to do a show and tell with her communication device. We gave her choices on the ipad of suggestions we had for what she could show the class. She chose to tell the class about her therapy horseback riding. I printed out pictures of her on her therapy horse, "Rascal." She took a real, (painted glittery) horseshoe that she got for Christmas from the volunteers at therapy riding. We tried to think of things she could tell the class, and programmed them into her communication device.

Love this face. 

Lilli's show and tell.

Then we added a button that said," Does anyone have any questions?" Because apparently, that is what each student always says at the end of their show and tell time. We knew there would be questions or comments that we could not predict, so that would be the challenging part for Lilli.

The morning of show and tell, I was excited for Lilli...and a teeny bit nervous for her. I always drop Leslie and Lilli off at the front door, and then I wait until she is done. I wait like a paranoid mama in case she has a seizure. It's only 45 minutes. But I cannot leave. And I have re-typed this paragraph several times trying to explain why. It is too much to explain. If you have a child that has seizures, then you get why I wait.

So I waited until they came out, and I saw that Lilli had a big smile on her face. Leslie told me all about it.

Lilli had to wait patiently for another girl to finish her show and tell. Waiting is very hard for Lilli, but she sat still and quiet. Every time Lilli goes to school, I know she exhausts herself trying to keep still, calm, quiet, and act like a big fourth grader. It takes a lot of work for her to keep it together like this. Her peers have a huge effect on her.

The little girl kept saying, "When I'm done, I'm picking Lilli!" Leslie helped Lilli to practice raising her arm so that she could get "picked," even though the classroom teacher said that all of the kids had been waiting all morning for Lilli to arrive and do her show and tell.

Leslie helped Lilli go up to the front of the class, and showed the class her glittery horseshoe and pictures. She pressed buttons on her device that told about her therapy horseback riding. One student raised her hand and said that her hamster has the same name as the horse Lilli rides. Lilli pushed, "That's cool." Grace raised her hand and said, "I love you Lilli!" and Lilli pushed, "I love you."

I so wish I could have witnessed this. The teacher tried to video it on the classroom ipad, but later realized that she had only recorded for four seconds, and turned it off by accident. That's ok, I got all the details from Leslie.

Significant about the toppers is that Lilli
chose them, in a store, without too
much crying. 

A Birthday Treat

Lilli turned ten at the end of January. Lilli took a birthday treat into the class (gluten free chocolate chip muffins), and everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to Lilli while she smiled and swayed in her seat.

This is huge. Eating a muffin all by herself.
I cannot tell you how amazing this is. All
those years of feeding therapy:
WORTH IT.

These little moments: making a friend, show and tell, taking a birthday treat to class...these are huge moments. We do not take them for granted. We celebrate them all, and constantly set new goals. New phrases to use on her communication device. New events to look forward to and prepare for. Coming up, Lilli will get to go to school for a Valentines' day party and give valentines to her classmates. She has not had classmates to give valentines to for several years.

Lilli's education is very different but it's perfect for her. It's working well. She has one-on-one teaching with Leslie at home, and time with peers at the school. She is practicing using her communication device to have real conversations. Lilli has a real desk now with a name tag. Even though she is there less than two hours each week, she is part of the class. We may try to increase her time there, we may keep it the same for awhile.


I really do not know where we go from here. We just keep moving forward. Every month there are new goals, new issues, new things to work on. So I do not know where she will be next year, or even next week. I only know about what she is doing today.

One day at a time.

The class singing happy birthday to Lilli. 

How We Saved Our Wet Ipad After it Took a Bath

I see you, desperate ipad owner, Googling my first wet ipad post. Hopefully, you have come to the right place. I have also been a desperate owner of a wet ipad.

Two different wet ipads, actually.

I wrote about our first wet ipad experience a year ago, and I can see that my first post is still Googled every week. Probably by a mom or dad freaking out, holding a sopping wet expensive mess swaddled in a towel while yelling at someone and googling "Wet ipad" at the same time.

Such a shame, because that post was probably not very helpful.  I am sorry that my first experience and post was such a disappointment. Putting that wet ipad in the bag of rice did NOT work for us. Alas, that ipad never came back to life.

This wet ipad post might actually help you. There is hope: our second wet ipad came back to life! Now working as perfectly as it was before it took a short swim in the tub. No side effects at all; it has completely gone back to perfection, much to our surprise. I will tell you how we saved it - quickly, because you are probably stressing out and skimming this post anyway.

Our ipad was plunged into the FULL bathtub by our daughter who has special needs. Yep, pushed down under water. I do not know for how long...and does it really matter? Because the ipad was COMPLETELY UNDER WATER. Our daughter has a fascination with water, and don't ask how it even ended up in the tub in the first place. All that matters is that it was completely submerged.

We put it on the heater so the heat could go up into this hole.
Good idea? Probably not, I guess it could have melted something.
But hey, it worked!

My husband propped the toweled-off ipad up on the heater. We left it there for a day. Then I picked it up and tried to turn it off. We could see water underneath the screen. No, not the decorative little water droplets that are just there to tease you - and can I just say, that joke is just plain mean, Apple. No, there was a huge, obvious puddle underneath the glass in the middle of the screen. It was tricky to turn it off and took a few tries. Once it was off, I left it alone for two more days. Propped on the heater so that the heat could go up into the charging hole.

Please ignore the dust and focus on the handle
where we propped the ipad.

I will show you a picture so you can see that we propped it on the little handle that adjusts the angle of the vent. This allowed the ipad to be sitting right in the middle of the grate, or whatever you call that thing. This also happened around the time of the "polar vortex," so the heater was working hard.

The actual wet ipad. NOT a dramatization. 

After (im)patiently waiting, I turned it on and held my breath. It worked! The first few days, there were two little teeny streaks of water still under the screen, but the apps all functioned fine. A few days later, the streaks were gone. I probably should have left it on the heater for one more day.

Yay for dry, January heaters that make you wake up desperately wanting a drink of water. I think our last ipad got wet in the middle of summertime, and rice seemed like the only best option at the time. This time, when I blurted, "Quick put it in the bag of rice!" (because parents like us happen to have a gallon size zip-lock bag full of rice stored on a shelf for wet device moments such as these - true story) my husband said, "No, that didn't work last time. Let's try something else." Good idea, honey. It worked.

(I just want to add that if his idea had been a bad idea, as in... if the side of the ipad completely melted and oozed down into the heater vent, I would have been mad at him for the next ten years. But fortunately for all of us, that did not happen.)

Our ipad is back to fully functioning, the water is all dried up and gone, and we have all done multiple happy dances about it.

Best of luck to you and your ipad. I feel like this is where I should insert some kind of disclaimer or legal mumbo jumbo: this advice is unofficial, please don't sue me or send me mean comments. This might even be reeeeally terrible advice. You should not even really listen to me, because I am the one whose child managed to get not one, but two borrowed ipads from the school district completely wet. All I know is that it worked this time, and the huge bag of rice did not.

However, if you have a victorious wet ipad story to tell, please share in the comments. Other desperate wet ipad owners will thank you.

Good luck!

The bag of rice that is still floating around. Oh, I have
two message buttons in there that...um...our daughter also
threw into the bathtub. Have not checked yet to
see if they still work. Guess I should have balanced them
on the heater.

Returning Christmas Stockings...and Reminding Lilli Who She Is.

My three little blessings.

Last week, I got teary and overwhelmed at the mere thought of going to the grocery store. I needed just one important item. I ended up building my entire day around how to get to the store without having to take the kids.

Almost always, a small errand becomes a huge deal. We are always working on public outings with Lilli, and a few go amazingly well while most do not. My tears probably sprang up quickly because just a few days before, Lilli and I had a bad experience at Walgreens.

I had let quite a few days go by, wishing for one particular make up item - one of the very few I wear these days when I want to shed a little of that exhausted, stay-at-home-mommy look: lipliner. So silly, so unneccesary. Yet I was motivated enough to make a plan to get it. Some people need their Starbucks... well, I "needed" lipliner. I dropped Josh off at preschool, and Lilli was riding in the back with her ABA therapist, Morgan.

Therapy sessions even continue in my car. Morgan was making sure Lilli was keeping her shoes on while we were driving - one of the many therapy goals that I requested because it might make life a teeny bit easier for me in the future. I am constantly putting shoes back on her every single time we get out of the car. (Kind of like how a two year old pulls off shoes and throws them...only we've been working on this with Lilli for eight years now.) My we're-in-a-hurry-I'll-just-carry-you-across-the-burning-hot-parking-lot-instead-of-putting-on-your-shoes-for-the-thousandth-time method has become quite dangerous for my back, now that she is ten. I know other moms of children with special needs who refuse to wear shoes. It's a small thing that can become a big deal. I've lost shoes in parking lots, grocery stores...well, pretty much any public place we've ever been, I've had to run back and look for and retrieve a shoe all of Lilli's life. So this seemingly simple little thing...it's a "goal."

The "keep your shoes on" goal.

While pulling out of the school parking lot, I said, "Morgan, I think I'm going to run into Walgreens for lip liner." I thought it would be a good time to get it, since Morgan was with me to help Lilli, and the other two kids were at school. Morgan immediately began to give Lilli a little pep talk about going into the store. I overheard bits of "Just buying one thing"..."keep your shoes on"...."only for a few minutes."

We pulled into the Walgreens parking lot and got Lilli out of her special needs carseat. She had her shoes on. She was not happy, but not crying....yet. We walked in and I made a beeline for what I needed. Found it instantly, but as we walked to the check out, I spied the "Christmas 75% off!" sign.

Uh oh. You know I just had to go and take a peek. It sucked me in like a magnet.

"Come on, Lilli, I just want to take a quick look," I said as I led them a few aisles over.

"You knew that was coming," Morgan said to Lilli jokingly. "Can't pass up clearance." Lilli started to cry. She was not amused.

Lilli hates spontaneous shopping. I broke the rules. I told her I was only getting lipliner, and now I was totally going to look at Christmas stockings in January. She was mad. As we headed toward the other side of the store, we brushed passed a Walgreens employee who did a double take at Lilli. Her face scrunched up in a mixture of confusion and shock as she tried to figure Lilli out.

One look at her awkward gait...one second of realizing that she is not saying words, just crying, one glance to see that Morgan was holding this almost-ten year old's hand...I'm sure that was enough to quickly reveal to this Walgreens employee that Lilli has special needs of some sort.

I blocked out the crying and the stare, and found the clearance shelf.

Lilli still has an Elmo stocking. Chloe has a My Little Pony stocking, and she has not been into My Little Ponies for a few years now. Josh has a random "Peace" stocking from when Jasen I first got married. I have been wanting to buy new stockings for the kids for a few years now, and I keep hoping I will find ones I like on sale. As I sifted through the clearance Christmas stockings, Lilli cried harder. I held a few up to her to see if she liked them, and she pushed them away and cried. Morgan was fantastically multi-tasking, softly speaking to Lilli and trying to get her to calm down, while doing mental math and responding to my ridiculous questions of "What do you think of this one? What's 75 percent off of $7.99? Oooh, I think this one is cute, which one do you like better?..." Meanwhile Lilli escalated into loud wails and occastional growls and shrieks of anger.

I know, Elmo IS cute. He's been around for years. He even sings if you put batteries in him.

I get why strangers think I am a terrible mom. I imagine it looks like I am completely ignoring my distraught, sobbing child while shopping for frivilous things.

Yes. I am. I am trying to ignore it for a few moments. It's very hard to ignore, but if I don't, I will never be able to shop and make decisions.

We had been in Walgreens for a total of five minutes, and that was enough stress for all of us. I grabbed two sequined stockings and we headed up to the check out. The same Walgreens employee was standing behind the counter. She scanned the lipliner and stockings while glancing over at Lilli. Finally, it was as if she could not help but make a comment.

"She's cranky!"

"Yeah," I responded. I wasn't up for explanations today. Actually I was thinking about the silliness that I had just bought two matching stockings, not three, and where was I going to find one that matched these? Would my husband share the excitment in my off-season clearance find? Not likely. My thoughts were interrupted rudely.

"She's got snot running down her face," Walgreens woman said with slight disgust. I wordlessly rummaged for a tissue in my purse and gently wiped her nose.

"Is she autistic?" She asked in a clipped, unfriendly tone.

I cringed. Should I correct her? Tell her that the word "autistic" is very un-PC these days? She is a person, who has autism. Later, I found out that Morgan had cringed too.

No, I did not correct her. I merely said: "Yep."

She kept looking at Lilli, and she snapped blandly, "My son's autistic."

I never saw that one coming. "Huh, really?" I said with surprise while completing the transaction on the keypad.

"Yeah. He had early intervention and stuff."

"So how old is your son?"

"He's four."  No emotion, pride, or love oozing out of this mom about her little boy. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she was bitter, or hopeless, or just plain jaded about the whole "autism" business. Who knows. Maybe she just hated her job at Walgreens.

She asked me where Lilli went to school and I explained that she was homebound, but visited a class in the nearby elementary school a few times a week. Lilli kept crying, and Walgreens woman kept glancing over at her with a slightly irritated look.

She nodded her head in Lilli's direction and said bitterly, "She's gonna be a real handful when she gets older."

I began to feel a slight rise in temperature in my body at that confusing comment. I thought moms were supposed to connect and encourage, not criticize.

I couldn't help it. "Aw, come on now, let's be positive. I don't need to hear comments like that," I responded as nicely as I could.

She said nothing. Lilli cried. Morgan hugged her next to the counter to keep her from running. The purchase was complete. I picked up my bag, and we left. I got behind the wheel, a little stunned by what had just happened.

A few days later, I told Morgan that I was still thinking about our experience at Walgreens. She said she was too, and that she had considered going back to say something to that employee. I kept thinking about it, and the more I ran through the events in my mind, the more I realized that I was going to take those stockings back and return them. I didn't want them anymore. I did not want to pull them out every Christmas and remember that whole interaction at Walgreens in 2014.

A few mornings later, I was driving with Lilli (and sleeping Josh) after dropping Chloe off, at school. I spoke up in the silent, chilly van, and told Lilli that I was sorry.

I explained that I had been thinking about what happened at Walgreens, and that I was sorry I had not stuck up for Lilli more. I am Lilli's best advocate, and I should have said something on her behalf. I should have told that woman that Lilli was smart, that she could hear and understand, and that she was a beautiful girl inside and out, who happened to have autism and hates shopping. I told Lilli that I didn't even want those dumb stockings anymore, and I was going to return them. "I'm sorry Lilli, I should have stuck up for you. That lady was not nice. It's not right, but sometimes Mommy just wants to get what she is buying and get out of there fast, away from mean, unhappy people. I'm sorry."

I spoke to Lilli with no verbal response, but her physical response spoke volumes. I watched her in the rear view mirror as we headed home.

Before I had begun to speak, she had been sitting still with a blank look on her face. So boring, these trips to drop off her siblings each day. As I talked to her and apologized, she put her hands up over her eyes, and a huge grin spread across her face. She looked out the window and made little noises and smiled. She put her hand up and grabbed her neck - her gesture of wanting to say something but the words won't come out. I know she was glad about my apology. I think she forgives me.

I am posting this before the end of the story. You see, I have to find a time to go back to Walgreens. It might take awhile. I might have to take Lilli. I might not end up seeing that same employee. If I do see her again, I am not really sure what I will say to her. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that Lilli knows that she is not what strangers say about her. She is not a "handful." She is not merely the label of "autistic." She is not annoying. She does not deserve to have someone comment in front of her that she has "snot running down her face."

I don't want the stupid stockings, I want Lilli to know who she is.

So no matter how inconvenient, I will go back. I will do that for my daughter. And maybe next year, I will find much more fabulous stockings for my kids, without a bad memory attached to them.

Cute, huh? Such a shame. They were only $1.99.