Birthday Expectations...and a Smile

Lilli's Muppet cake. I decided Kermit would be easier to draw with icing, even though Beaker is awesome. 

Lilli's birthday went almost exactly as I predicted in my last post.

I asked my husband to read my post when he woke up that morning on Lilli's birthday. After he read it, he said, "That's a good reminder, we need to keep that in mind today in case any of those things happen."

That night after everyone left, he said, "Well, you predicted it!"  But somehow those parts of the day did not send us spinning into depression, because we had mentally prepared ourselves for the possibilities. That helps. If we don't mentally prepare ourselves, sometimes we get down because we have expectations for how we think things should go. I think this is a skill that parents of children with special needs, especially those with behavior and sensory issues, should practice. It's not being negative, just realistic.

We took Lilli to a bouncy house place with her cousins after lunch. That was the highlight of her birthday. It baffles me how a child that gets overwhelmed opening gifts in her own living room could love a loud, crazy-with-kids-running-around-jumping-and-screaming-with-laughter-kind-of-place like a bouncy house place. I don't really get it. But the good thing was, she said she wanted to go there for her birthday, and she had a blast.

Later when we opened gifts at home, Lilli started to cry. I just don't even know why. We were helping her pull all of these beautiful, sparkly shirts and skirts out of gift bags while she sat in her daddy's lap on the living room floor, and she looked so unhappy. I will not post those sad gift-opening pictures. She looked like she just wanted to get up and leave. She started to cry and it was heartbreaking and puzzling. We stopped opening gifts and let her go play in her room. My brother in law said, "It's OK, really, we don't have to make her open her presents now." I was grateful that he was understanding, even though none of us really did understand. When I put her birthday pictures in her scrapbook, I will have to leave the gift-opening ones out.

A birthday smile through the netting at the bouncy house place. 

So Lilli had a slow, birthday-present-opening "week." We helped her open a present here or there over the next few days. She did not really open them herself. Gift-opening is a challenging fine-motor skill and sensory experience for kids like Lilli. For many of them, she did not even look when we pulled the present out of the gift bag. She did not act the least bit interested in most. She did not want her cake. But that's OK. I really think she enjoyed most of her special day and likes her presents. She loves the musical Elmo toy we got her, she loved the bouncy house place, and she loves wearing all of her new sparkly birthday clothes and hair accessories. We decorated her room with her new things, and put her new jewelry into her new jewelry box. I know that Lilli enjoys things in a different way than most kids do.

Lilli's birthday did not go the way Chloe's went, or really, any other kid's birthday party that I've ever been to. Usually a birthday child wants all the attention, gifts, and cake they can get. But we knew it would be different with Lilli. It was good that we were realistic and had that mindset in the beginning of the day, so that we would not be upset later. If we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and for our children, we will end up being disappointed. Even on a birthday. It is a dangerous place to go, comparing our children with other children. When we look at our children that have special needs and think about all the things they cannot do, we feel hopeless. We must focus on small things. Little accomplishments. Happy moments. Slow progress is still progress.

And a smile on a birthday, is a smile on a birthday.

Thoughts Before Making the Cake

Today is Lilli's ninth birthday. Everyone is still asleep except me, and I am blissfully enjoying my coffee in the quiet dawn. In a few minutes, I will begin to decorate Lilli's birthday cake.

Last year I wrote a tear jerking post about Lilli's birth and what a miracle she is. This year I have not felt like I have had any wise thoughts lately, or anything worthy of posting. Frankly I have been a little overwhelmed with the little stuff of life for the past few weeks. So no tissues needed with this one.

I wanted to write down that this year is yet another event with new perspective. This year I spent more time planning Lilli's birthday than I ever have before. That is because I now know that she really has an opinion about the little things. Lilli can tell me a few things now with her ipad, but it is still tough to get a lot of information and opinions at once. We started to plan a couple of months ago by asking her yes or no questions and giving her choices. Things with Lilli almost always take a long time.

So based on Lilli's preferences and requests, we are having a simple, Muppet-themed, family birthday party today. This is on a small scale/budget, mind you. I am definitely not that Pinterest mom that posted all about her kid's fabulous Muppet party with over-the-top (awesome, I must admit) Muppety decorations, favors, and food. No, I made our cheap Muppet decorations with cut-up Muppets Valentines Day cards and some scrap book paper. Chloe and Josh and I colored Muppet coloring sheets, and Lilli painted Kermit with Morgan's help. I will decorate a cake with some Muppet on the top after I post this...I'm thinking Beaker? She loves him. Lilli's cousins and aunts and uncles will drive down for the day and celebrate her birthday with us. It will be fun.

Little thoughts that enter my mind about today are...

What if Lilli gets overwhelmed and distances herself from everyone and just wants to sit in her room by herself and watch movies?
What if we try to get Lilli to open gifts and she pushes them away and runs out of the room?
What if Lilli doesn't outwardly act like she likes any of her gifts that her relatives get her, even if she does like them? 
What if she cries and pushes the ipad away when we try to get her to say thank you?
What if she pushes people away when they try to hug her and say happy birthday to her?
What if after we open her gifts for her, she won't pay attention to any of them and she goes back to playing with her old favorite toys?

...Because based on how things usually go, all of these things will probably happen at some point today. Lilli gets overwhelmed easily. It takes her awhile to begin to play with new toys because she has to learn how to play with them. We have to teach her how to play with something. She loves her cousins, but she will probably want her space today and leave the room. Even though it is her own birthday party. I know this because I know Lilli. But I have to brush these thoughts away and focus on the reason we are celebrating. It is her day.

I want anyone reading this to know that you should never take these kinds of things personally from a child that has autism. Her outward actions may be disappointing to others. But I know that at the end of the day, Lilli will be happy about her gifts. I know this because the gifts we got her are really cool. I know that she will be happy about the Muppet cake and decorations. I know this because...I just know. I know that however Lilli acts today, deep down she is just like any other kid. She just has all this surface stuff on the top that gets in the way. I've said it before, her autism gets in the way.

So...off I go to draw Muppets with icing. Lilli might glance at the cake I spend an hour decorating for her, for literally one second. She might even look at it sideways, because Lilli does not always make direct eye contact with people or things. A few years ago, I would have been hurt by the fact that she will not stand and study her birthday cake and decorations for long moments with a smile on her face. Now, I feel that if she even glances for a second and then walks away, I'll take it, and smile to myself. Because I know she will still appreciate it inside. And really, it is all for her. So that is the most important thing about today.

Chloe drew this awesome picture of Animal on our window.
Ahhh! Animal!!!